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8 pints of Stella and an Indian on a Saturday night. What could possibly be better?
Yeh OK... 12 pints of Stella, an Indian, a blow-job as you fall asleep, then Red Bull and a full English in bed at 11.30 Sunday morning (followed by another blow-job as she picks out your belly button fluff and soaps you up in the shower).
Anyway, back to reality. It's Monday evening and you've pissed your hard earned Giro up the wall.
Somehow, in your Sunday afternoon drunkeness, you didn't get caught shoplifting and managed to fit all the ingredients you need for that perfect ruby murray down your fake Calvin Klein's. So, double check the the scribbled sharpie pen list on your forearm...
2 Chicken Breasts (untouched by penis are preferable) Importance rating 10/10
Pataks curry paste (cheap supermarket own-brand crap might do, I've never tried it tho') Importance rating 10/10
180g Rice (Brown rice takes fuckin' ages to boil up, but on the plus side, it helps you shit) Importance rating 9/10
1 Red Pepper (Helps to identify the meal if you puke) Importance rating 2/10
1 Onion (they're cheap and bulk it up a bit) Importance rating 2/10
1 Tin of chopped tomatoes (Don't worry, take 'em out the tin and you won't even know they're there) Importance rating 10/10
Handful of frozen peas (just for show, or to spit at the dog) Importance rating 1/10
Olive oil (Posh lard, but the bottles from Waitrose fit up your sleeve better) Importance rating 10/10
Secret Ingredient (It's only Crushed chilli - Sorts out the men from the boys though! Get it in a pocket sized Jar from Waitrose:) Importance rating 10/10
OK, lets do it...
Pour a splash of olive oil in a frying pan (about half a mouthful) and get it fairly hot while you chop the chicken breasts up. If it's spitting/smoking or anything like worrying, it's too hot. If you can put your finger in it, it's too cold.
Chuck your chicken in the pan and wazz it round with your tool of choice 'til it's gone white all the way through. Don't burn it or you'll be pissed off later. Light tan colour (Cheryl NOT Jordan) is about right.
Peel the onion, then chop it to bits. If you need a piss after this, wash your hands first or you'll be dancing round the bog like a cat in a microwave. Throw it in with the chicken and flick it round the pan for a minute.
Cut the stalk out of the red pepper 'cos if you eat that bit it tastes shit. Then, cut the pepper up and get rid of the seeds and pink fleshy bits from inside. Of course if you're a fan of pink fleshy bits you can enjoy them as you wish later.
Throw the tinned tomatoes in with a big dollop of Pataks curry paste. Gentle wrist action and you'll see those nasty tomatoes transform into the food of the gods.
Now, the next bit's a biggy. Crushed chilli can bless your tongue with a glorious multiple orgasm, BUT it can be a real twat as it comes out the other end. To avoid serious anal discomfort, don't take the piss, just a bit on the end of a teaspoon stirred in should be safe enough.
Turn the heat down to loooooow. Throw the lid on the pan. Forget it. It can sit there for half an hour while the rice cooks and you have another Stella...
Boil the kettle, pint and a halfish of water.
Recommended is 75g of rice per person according to the packet (Fuckin' nanny state government know-it-all pricks) Use 200g (works out perfectly @ 160g for you, 40 for her)
Chuck it in the pan, add the boiling water and boil it 'til it's soft. This might take 10 minutes (or 3 days for fucking brown rice) 5 minutes before you think it'll be done add the frozen peas to stop the rice looking so fucking boring.
Rinse the rice, chuck everything on a plate and eat with your feet on the sofa whilst watching Top Gear on Dave. Side dish of chips, optional. Stella Artois, compulsory.
Posh sounding bit of scram ...but it's just a fucking omelette! Piece of piss to make though, any fat cunt can do it. Rustle it up in about 20 minutes.
This is a 'chuck in' type meal, no culinary expertise needed, just use your imagination and chuck stuff in there (get pissed first to enhance your 'bit of this, bit of that' confidence)
Stuff I had spare to use, in no particular order:
1 onion (or not) Importance rating 1/10
6 eggs (chickens, nothing weird) Importance rating 10/10
Some sort of cooked meat (chicken, ham, whatever) Importance rating 10/10
Tinned new potatoes (these babies are already cooked to make cheffing even easier. Result!) Importance rating 9/10
Peas (so you don't have to lie to Mum) Importance rating 1/10
+ Cooking oil, salt, pepper, milk (always use Cravendale - Good healthy shit that lasts for fucking ages)
Serves two - So don't cock it up or she'll be keeping her knickers on for bed.
Use a big frying pan and be getting a smidge of cooking oil hot while you chop the onion into small bits. Chuck it in the pan and turn the heat down low while you do the next bit.
Open the tin of spuds halfway and make a gap so you can drain the water out (over the sink!) Then tip them out on a chopping board and slice each potato into pieces about as thick as a pack of Rizzla's.
This'll bore the shit out of you, but crack on 'cos the whole thing'll turn out crap if you don't.
Throw 'em in with the onions, stir it all up a bit, then chop the cooked meat to a sensible size (today, I will be using, spicy chicken. Hmmmmm)
Introduce the meat to the pan, then chuck it in with a handful of peas (frozen or not, doesn't matter) Leave the gas on low and give it a gentle waz round now and them.
Crack the eggs into a big jug. Add about a mouthful of milk then salt 'n' pepper it. If like me you ain't got a proper egg beater thing, use a fork to beat the fuck out of it.
Back to the pan and the spuds should be lightly browned off. If black, start again, it'll taste shit.
Make everything nice and level (not squashed!) then pour the egg in so everything's covered. keep an eye on it for a few minutes at a low to medium-ish heat.
Bit of common sense needed here... Don't be a dick and burn the bottom of it waiting for the top to cook. Once you reckon it's it's golden brown underneath and cooked halfway through, chuck the pan under the grill to cook the top.
Now you just gotta get it out the fucking pan!
Easy eh? Serve with white wine (drink from the bottle so nobody thinks you're gay)
Next time lob some chilli in there, or cheese or peppers or mushrooms or bacon or sausages, Pork Pies or whatever.
More Fat Cunt recipes soon :-)